So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
