Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
