I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
