I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
