why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
