Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
