How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Randomize
