i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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