I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
