guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
