My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
