Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
