her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
