I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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