Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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