my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
