I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Randomize
