I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
