You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
