I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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