She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
