I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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