the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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