i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
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Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Text me some of your sweat
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