I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
