Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I want her autograph on my taint
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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