i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
