That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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