Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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