this just has baby written all over it
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
