Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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