I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
