capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
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