drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize