Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
