I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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