you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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