You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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