I wish my penis had an off switch
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
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four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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