The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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