Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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