My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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