May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
