That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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