So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
