So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
