apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
