i'm signing you up for texting rehab
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
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