over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
