Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
