I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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