and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
