I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Randomize
