I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Everclear isn't food dammit
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
