OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
