got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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