just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
